Sadness and Grief: The hard times knit us more closely together

Though it may seem counter-intuitive, the Archbishop and the Dalai Lama believe that sadness and grief are interconnected with joy and love, which they expand upon in this chapter.

Recalling his work with the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, the Archbishop shares that he has a tendency to cry easily, but because that is true, he also loves easily. In other words, he has a greater capacity to feel compassion and love for others, as a result of his own experiences with suffering. Scientific studies about mild sadness, which Abrams integrates in this chapter, reinforce the Dalai Lama’s and Archbishop’s belief that sadness may be a pathway towards compassion.

To hold down emotions in a controlled environment, as it were, is not wise. I would say go ahead and even maybe shout out your sadness and pain… It is locking them up and pretending that they are not there that causes them to fester and become a wound.

- The Archbishop, Book of Joy, p. 109

Discussion Questions

Were you surprised by the scientific findings that mild sadness had positive impacts? Has that been your experience of sadness?

How would you describe the difference between hedonic happiness and eudemonic happiness?

Can you recall a time when moments of sadness gave you the opportunity to feel closer to those around you?

How did the Dalai Lama’s response to those who are grieving resonate or not with you?

Why do you think the Buddhist story of the grieving mother is so impactful?

The chapter encourages readers to accept and experience moments of sadness and grief rather than bottling them away. How do you respond to this teaching? In what ways might these be a healthy approach?

Activities

Watch Taking in the Good with Rick Hanson discussing how negative emotions might be transformed.

Read Four Ways Sadness May Be Good for You from the Greater Good Magazine. Consider how these claims reinforce or integrate with the Dalai Lama’s and the Archbishop’s perspective.

Listen to Being with Difficult Emotions with Thupten Jinpa provided by the Renee Crown Wellness Institute.

Follow this activity provided by missionjoy.org:

“What the Dalai Lama and I are offering is a way of handling your worries: thinking about others. You can think about others who are in a similar situation or perhaps even worse a situation, but who have survived, even thrived. It does help quite a lot to s ee yourself as part of a greater whole.” Archbishop Tutu, Mission: JOY

Take a moment to think or write about a situation that’s been worrying you.
Now think of someone who has experienced a similar hardship. A friend, family member, or even someone you’ve just heard about. Think about the ways they survived — even thrived — after their experience. Allow yourself to feel empathy for them. And then feel empathy for YOURSELF, and know that you are not alone!